My abusive narcissistic ex-husband -- Part 1: Falling in the hole

A few of my friends who have suffered and survived abusive relationships have been opening up lately, so I feel that I should share my story. I feel there's a stigma associated with women who end up in abusive relationships and who stay in relationships; that they're dumb, helpless, weak. I don't particularly associate those qualities with myself, so I am sharing my story to show what it was like for me. This is going to be a three-parter: how I ended up in the situation in the first place, the sort of emotional abuse I went through, and how I recovered after.

Maybe someone will read this and recognize all the red flags I chose to ignore, and they'll heed the warning. That would be nice, though I think if I went back in time and made Past-Me read this, it wouldn't change a thing. If Present-Me went back in time to warn Past-Me, I'm sure Past-Me would be all "Fuck you, we're different, we're going to make this work!" That's an ignorant fucking mindset, however Past-Me, Present-Me, and Future-Me are three stubborn-as-hell bitches, let me tell you.

Having had time to look back, I see the hallmarks of a narcissistic abuser. He never hit me, though things got physical in other manners which I'll detail in Part 2. But most of the damage was in the form of his mind games. It was primarily mental and emotional abuse, with a dash of sexual abuse for good measure. More on that to come.

So I'm going to start off detailing exactly what my mindset and background were that got me into what became a toxic, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, and why I stayed in it for so long.

He was only my second boyfriend (and I thought that was as good as it would get).

As I have mentioned before, my ex-husband was only the second guy I ever dated. Throughout high school, I was bombarded with everyone being in a relationship and dating everyone else. I already had body-confidence issues and related myself to a fat, shapeless lump. No guys ever took interest in me. I briefly dated one of my male friends for three months, but that was the entire prior extent of my dating experience.

When I met my ex, I wasn't sure at first why he was suddenly showering me with attention, but it felt good. He lived a state away (we met through a mutual friend), but he sent me gifts, and when I visited he took me around town. He told me he loved me. At the beginning, things were nice. I had never had someone treat me with that attention. In fact, he eventually moved just to be with me. That meant love, right?

Now I realize how stupid it was to agree to marry only the second guy I ever dated, and how naive it was for me to think that just because guys in high school didn't pay attention to me that meant they would never pay attention to me, but at the time, it felt like I had found something rare and needed to hang on to it lest I never find it again. I was afraid there would be no one else out there for me, and that fear was crippling.

Catholic dogma played a big role as well.

I was a good little Catholic girl. Catholics believe in waiting until marriage for sex, and they certainly do not believe in divorce. Both of these factors played a role in why I never left him.

I wasn't a great Catholic girl, mind you. I waited until engagement, the first time. That's right, he proposed to me, we had sex, he dumped me, and I felt devastated because, according to everything I was raised to believe, I was now a tainted, used-up piece of garbage no one else would want. I should have let him run then, but instead I pursued him and basically begged him to work things out. I had given him my virginity after all, he had to be the one or else I was damned. We ultimately got back together, he proposed again, we went through all the pre-marriage counselling the Catholic church requires, and we got married from there. 

When things started noticeably heading south a few years into the marriage, I stuck it out due to the second factor, which is Catholics don't get divorced. If I got divorced, I felt I would never be able to get married in the Catholic church again. I'm honestly still kind of pissed off about it, really. I had heard about annulment (where the church basically says your marriage was never valid in the first place), but the criteria for it were brushed over because it was just something that happened to other people. I felt trapped in a permanent marriage. I was like "Whelp, I'm stuck with this, just have to stick it out I guess." I figured that I was stuck with my choices and I had to live with them, and I resigned myself to that.

For other Catholic women out there, I would like to share a statement from the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, entitled "When I Call For Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women" which states in part:

"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing."

(Note: While the bishops were focusing on violence against women, I am sure they intend the same to apply to men as well. It seems less common, but I've known multiple men who escaped from abusive women, so it goes both ways.)

I wish I had read that before. I might have gotten out sooner, instead of sticking it out as long as I did until the point where he ultimately dumped me. I really wish the church talked more about domestic violence and different types of abuse, and made more resources available to people going through it. When marriage counselling failed and my ex had moved out and it felt like my world was falling apart, I turned to the church and found zero resources to help me, just more talk about the permanence of marriage and hopelessness for my future. It was actually another church that helped me, but more on that in Part 3. To this day I still feel a bit betrayed by the church for all of that.

It was these two factors -- my low self-esteem and religious dogma -- that helped me fall into the hole. The angsty, teenage low self-esteem made me latch onto the first guy to really pay attention to me, and the Catholic dogma kept me there.

The first few years things were okay. We went on dates and adventures and worked on making a home together and it was all very hunky-dory. But after a few years, the honeymoon period wore off, and by the time I realized where I really was, I was already settled in...