Instead, I'm going to make this so, so much worse...
Ingredients
- 1 package of whatever noodles are still available on grocery store shelves (I usually use rice noodles, but during the pandemic work with what you can find)
- 1/2 cup peanut butter
- 1/2 cup soy sauce
- Sriracha to taste
- A couple cups of cut up veggies; I usually use broccoli and carrots but go nuts with whatever you want
- Some protein for this sucker: either a couple chicken breasts cooked and diced; a cube of tofu cooked, diced, and faux-fried; or a cup of edamame are good options
- About a pound of existential dread
Start by boiling water for your noodles in a large pot and cutting up your veggies (and if your protein needs to cook, now's a good time to do that). Some people salt their water for pasta. Growing up, we never did this (that's right, I'm throwing this shit right in the middle of the recipe. You were warned by the title) because we were on a low-sodium diet, so Mom NEVER added salt to anything. It was a sad and tasteless existence. When I finally moved out on my own and discovered salt, it was a godsend! See, sodium ions can help block bitter tastes from our taste buds, enhancing the more pleasant tastes in a dish. I missed out on all that goodness growing up. So I say go ahead and salt the water. You only live once.
Once you get your water to a rolling boil, go ahead and reduce heat and add your noodles. Rice noodles will cook quickly whereas spaghetti and linguine noodles will take longer. I don't know how long noodles take to cook; you cook them until they're tender. Did you really reach adulthood without knowing how to cook noodles? Just take a noodle out every once in a while and nosh down on it...if the texture seems right then they're done. There's also a trick where you're supposed to be able to throw a noodle on your cabinet doors and if they stick it's done or something...that always seemed like too much of a mess for me. I'm trusting you to figure out how to cook your noodles.
While your noodles are cooking it's time to make your peanut sauce. In a medium bowl, combine your peanut butter, soy sauce, and about 1 tbsp of your sriracha sauce (more is fine...in fact I usually use more, but sometimes I cook for pansy-asses who require less). Now you gotta mix them together. This part sucks because you're going to quickly discover that peanut butter and soy sauce don't like each other. In science class, we learned about different types of mixtures as solutions, suspensions, and colloids. Solutions are clear with homogeneous particle distribution. Suspensions are cloudy with particles that will settle and separate out when still. Colloids are sort of in-between; cloudy but stable and homogeneous.
We're making an emulsion here, which is a subclass of colloid. Milk is an example of an emulsion. In our case, we have oily peanut butter and watery soy sauce. It's going to take more mixing than you think to make them mix together. It's going to look like some sort of horror at first as you have this lump of peanut butter just sort of rolling around in a pool of soy sauce. You're going to think I'm full of shit, telling you to mix these together. But then suddenly it's as if the ingredients just sort of surrender, and they magically start to mix. You have to keep it up though. Don't let them win.
In the last few minutes of your noodles cooking, add your veggies and let them cook with the noodles. I usually use broccoli and carrots, but you can substitute out virtually whatever vegetables you like. I like the broccoli and my dog likes the carrots. He'll beg for them and sit there and gnaw at them while I finish cooking. Sometimes he'll eat the broccoli too, but he doesn't like it as much. He eats it more out of stubbornness than actual enjoyment of the vegetable.
When the veggies and noodles are done, all that's left is to strain them, mix in your sauce and protein, and then top with more sriracha as desired!
I hope that recipe was thoroughly annoying. Stay home and have a safe quarantine y'all!
