I know I have been very, very absent on the blogging front lately. I have been burned out for about a year which has resulted in one of the longest bouts of writer's block I've had. But something else has also come up.
I feel like the first few months of this pandemic, I was doing okay. I was actually losing weight and walking around the neighborhood a lot. But as time wore on, my energy and focus suddenly dropped. It was hard to stay focused at work, and things that once gave me joy like hiking (and writing) became dreadful, energy-sucking chores. I've also started experiencing what my doctor thinks are panic attacks, and I've had them in the most benign and random settings like when I'm folding laundry.
Talking to colleagues, I am not alone. Everyone's anxiety has been sky-high. Several of my colleagues have been seeking out either counselling or medication to help cope, which I believe is a good thing because it means they're taking the steps they need to take to care for themselves.
My first meeting with my new therapist when we were talking about my anxiety and where it began, I explained how it's been worse over the past year, but to be honest it's something I have struggled with for a long time. I told her how my normal outlets have been cut-off with the pandemic.
"I think what's happened with you is that you've been able to run away from what's bothering you and have been able to sort of stay ahead of it for a long time," she told me. "You've been staying busy and have been able to push it aside and cope with it that way. But now that you're basically stuck in one spot, you're being forced to actually confront it."
Damn. That struck me. I feel like she hit the nail on the head.
With subsequent sessions, she also seems to think I probably have PTSD, though we're still figuring out from what. People who know me immediately assume my ex-husband, who was abusive, but my anxiety runs back to before I ever met him, so we got a whole lot of digging to do.
So here we go. I wanted to share the start of my therapy journey because in these trying times, I think it's fine to ask for a little help on the mental health front. We shouldn't stigmatize it. Hopefully when I come out the other side, I'll be a bit happier and a bit more focused. Maybe I'll return to updating this regularly, who knows?
Hang in there, be healthy, and take care!
