Golden showers and my dog is a passive aggressive asshole

I got my dog, Ozzy, when he was 9 months old. He was already potty trained by then. He is very good about being asked to be let out to do his business, though he will then commence to spend 30 minutes finding the exact perfect clump of dirt to shit on, but I digress.

Don't be fooled by his innocent looks

Unfortunately, his timing is sometimes inconvenient, waking me up at odd hours of the night to let me know insistently that he absolutely must be let out now. When I was with my ex-husband, this became a game of "Who will get fed up with this furry little shit and let him out first?". We would both lay in bed attempting to play possum until one of us finally relented and let him out.

One day, the dog became wise to our game. As we both laid in bed trying to out-wait the other, the dog decided to communicate his need more clearly. He did this by jumping up on the bed and peeing directly on my ex's face!

I thought it was funny. My ex was not amused. Regardless, the dog made his message clear. We never ignored his whining again.

Ozzy is fairly good about letting me know when I need to pull over to let him do his business while we're on a long drive. He starts whining and jumping around in a slightly different way than his OMG-we-are-going-for-a-drive whining and jumping around that's his normal baseline in the car. The day he peed on my ex in the car, he did none of these things.

We had just finished a day hike and were driving back to town. My ex was asleep in the passenger seat. Suddenly and without warning, my dog climbs on his lap, looks me straight in the eye, and starts letting it go right there. This wasn't some excited little tinkle that dribbled out, either. This was a full on 30-second piss blast right on my ex's lap. We're talking very thoroughly-soaked denim jeans.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to yell at the dog for fear he'd spray it all over the car, and we were less than 5 minutes away from home. I was also fascinated because my ex was not waking up, and I was morbidly curious to find out how long my dog's stream was going to last and how long it would take my ex to wake up. So I just...let it happen.

All of this rationale was given to my ex when he finally woke up just as the dog was finishing up. The ex was not happy. The fact that I explained this rationale through tears of laughter probably did not help my cause.

There's a reason I got the dog in the divorce, it seems.

(My dog has never peed on me. He likes me too much.)