When my ex left me in August 2015, that triggered a set of the lowest set of lows of my life. Every time I hit rock-bottom, it was as if the floor would fall out from under me and there would be another rock-bottom right below it.
I was already at maximum stress level.
Between us, we had three vehicles. Over the summer, the transmissions in two of them died and required rebuilding. I had been trying to save up money for winter and spring quarters when I knew I would have to do full-time unpaid clinical internships, which was going to mean I would be taking extended time off from my day job for three months (each internship was about seven weeks), which meant affording bills and life was going to be challenging. The money I had been saving up in preparation for those internships was wiped out in one summer on car repairs, so I was stressing about how I was going to rebuild those savings in time for January.
Then, he dumped me. I felt like I was up to my neck in stress already, and all of a sudden I found myself underwater.
He played a bunch of mind games when he left me.
The reasons he gave for leaving were vague and unfulfilling, and they shifted with each day. Between me demanding he move out or fix things and him actually moving out was about a month, and it was a month that was stressful as hell. I don't understand those couples that go through divorce but live together for months and sometimes years as they go through the process, because that one month was awful for me.
He gave me several reasons. He just didn't love me anymore and he didn't know why. He vaguely stated "Perhaps I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, but I have to do it."
He also tried to spin it around on me. I didn't like his smoking, so I didn't love him anymore. I pointed out that while I didn't like his smoking (he was a nonsmoker when we met, but he was up to smoking half a pack a day by the end of the marriage), I wasn't the one leaving.
As I mentioned in another blog post, he interrogated my friends to try and scrounge up any dirt he could on me to justify his leaving. He looked for anything he could to make it my fault, somehow. The best he could do was complain I was too busy for him. This was somewhat valid, as I had a very full schedule with two jobs and school, even though I had warned him before going back to school that we weren't going to have as much "couple time" as before. He had been on board back then.
At one point, as he was struggling to find an apartment he could afford to move into, he said "Well, I'm at the point where maybe we can fix things, maybe not. I'm not sure; I want to stay until I can decide." I told him that wasn't good enough and my initial ultimatum stood: either we go to another marriage counselor and fix things or he moved out. He hemmed and hawed and said maybe we could fix things. I told him I would look into finding a new counselor, as the one we'd seen before admittedly hadn't been a great fit. The next day a property manager called him back to let him know his apartment application had been approved, and he was back to being all about moving out, surprise, surprise.
Since we had no kids and no major assets, we had an online company prepare the divorce papers. They came to me first. I told my ex I would take them to a notary and get them signed on my next day off, however I was bombarded with almost daily texts asking when they would be ready and when he could pick them up. When I told him there was no rush (because I know he didn't have the money for filing fees anyway), he blew up my phone with messages along the lines of "You're a hateful bitch who's incapable of knowing love and never will be," and "No one is ever going to love you stupid bitch." I didn't respond to those texts because I knew they were bait to drag me into an argument. I had that much figured out at that point, at least.
My emotions were all over the place.
We've all heard about the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. We hear about them as if it's a nice linear path to travel through, with the end prize being we get over it.
It's not that simple.
The reality is more like if you took a five-sided dice with each side representing a stage of grief, and each hour you rolled the dice. That's more like what it's really like. I was all over the board. One minute I would be laughing, the next I would be crying. I think on one of my drives home I actually counted 40 distinct different emotions I cycled through.
One of the interesting mixed feelings I felt was that I missed him, but I didn't miss him. I missed the companionship, the financial security, the cuddles, the good times, but at the same time I had zero desire to get back with him, my ex, specifically. I wanted the marriage back but I didn't want him back, if you can try and grasp that. It was a weird feeling to have, and even weirder to attempt to express.
It took time and multiple resources to heal.
One of the first things I did was find a counselor who would take my insurance. I was fortunate to have a plan that covered 90% for mental health visits, so it was affordable for me. It was very awkward to set up the appointment. I was like "Hi, um, I'm going through divorce, and it's hard, and I don't know what I really want, but I just want to talk to someone."
What I got was perspective and education on setting boundaries to help in the future. She actually had me read the book Boundaries, which I actually found surprisingly helpful.
I didn't have to see a counselor for long. I only saw her for about six months. I was not done with the grieving process, but I felt I was able to carry myself the rest of the way from there.
I also went through DivorceCare support group. It was cheap ($15 for the workbook) and it was another place to vent and learn strategies to heal. Surviving Divorce Podcast was also helpful, free, and the host is a former DivorceCare group leader.
There were also friends. The thing about friends is that after a while, they stop wanting to hear about it. A lot of people feel you should just "get over it" already, with no respect for the time it takes. I did have some friends I was able to vent to, who I can still vent to, but my advice is don't rely too long on them.
All in all, it took about nine months before I felt comfortable to start dating again. Even then, I was in a situation where I was starting to look for job opportunities outside of my area (there were no local jobs in my field), so that may have sped-up my feeling dating-ready: any relationship I started had a built-in deadline, so there was no risk getting too serious.
(Whatever you do, don't start dating too soon after divorce. I was careful not to, but everyone who has tried it has assured me it's not a good plan.)
Friends will say things that are true, but you don't want to hear them.
One thing I heard again and again and again was "Don't worry, things will get better with time."
It's true, but when you're struggling to get through the hour, let alone the day, it's not something you want to hear. Especially because things are probably getting worse before they get better. Your ex is sending you taunting texts, or you discover he already has a dating profile up on Craigslist of all places, or you just got your tuition bill and have no damn clue how to pay it. It's like the floor keeps falling out from under you.
Things to get better with time, believe me, but in the moment, anyone who says that you just want to punch right in the face.
Another thing that did not help was hearing "You'll find someone better than him." Even though that was also true, in the moment my brain hated these words. In the moment, my brain thought if he's that much trash and I can't even hold on to that, how am I going to ever make it work with someone better?! This is flawed thinking, but it's how you think when the wounds are that fresh.
I think the best thing anyone could have done was just to distract me. If someone had pulled up outside my apartment and shouted "Bitch, get in the car, we're going shopping!" that probably would have been the most helpful thing. (My therapist actually prescribed audiobooks and podcasts to help distract me.) Just getting out and not dwelling on shit was the best for me in those times, I think.
Turned out he was cheating on me for a good portion of our marriage.
Our divorce was finalized at the end of February 2016. I had a miniature "divorce party" with some friends. One of them let it slip my ex had asked her for nudes...years ago. When she saw my surprise, she exclaimed "Oh crap, I thought Friend X had already told you!"
I confronted Friend X, who told me my other friend "wasn't supposed to tell" about it. Turns out that during the last three years of our marriage, my ex had requested nudes from multiple friends (Friend X had received multiple requests over the years) and had also professed his love about certain other women, including a coworker he apparently was now seeing (the same coworker I mentioned in Part 2. He even proposed to her a month before our one year divorceversary). Friend X hid all this from me until after the divorce was final. That's one (but not the only) factor Friend X is an ex-friend now.
I actually remember my ex telling me a few years prior to the end of our marriage "Hey, just so you know, there's this rumor that me and [coworker] are having an affair. I don't think it will reach you, but just know it's just a rumor some people are spreading." At the time, I thought it was touching that he was warning me. Now I realize it was more than just a rumor....
It was actually a bit of a relief to find out. Suddenly, all his lame excuses for leaving suddenly made sense and I realized it really was his fault, not mine.
When I started dating again, I found guys who were willing to date me.
Remember back in Part 1 where I talked about how guys never showed interest in me and I had zero self-confidence? Yeah, when my ex left me, I was terrified of being alone.
Turns out, that wasn't a problem.
I got on dating sites and in no time I was messaging a lot of guys, went on first dates with a lot of guys, went on multiple dates with a few guys...and most of these guys seemed pretty darn decent. There were a few out there who threw up some "weirdo" red flags, but for the most part, it was a pleasant (and surprising) experience. It was actually a huge boost to my confidence.
I actually remember messaging five guys simultaneously while on my break at work. I told my coworkers "Just call me a Five Guys Burgers & Fries." By messaging five guys, I mean I was messaging about a dozen overall at the time; just those five were online while I was on my break.
The world of online dating can be wonderful and magical, is what I'm getting at.
I still worry I might be the crazy one.
I've been seeing my current boyfriend for eight-going-on-nine months now. When things started getting serious, I warned him that I had a habit of blowing up when I get irate.
So far, I haven't blown up. I keep waiting for it. So far, he hasn't done anything terribly insulting. Sometimes he gets annoying, and I feel those emotions start to build up. I tell him to back off and that I need space, and I wait for the explosion...but it never happens. He apologizes and stops doing whatever it is that's pissing me off. The argument barely happens, and doesn't get even close to atomic. It's bizarre to me, to be completely honest, because I keep bracing for impact and it never even comes close.
It's also strange to have a more egalitarian relationship. Whenever we go out I keep reaching for my wallet, and he keeps making me put it away. Sometimes he'll suggest going somewhere and I'll respond with "I don't think I can afford that this week," and he will be all "no, I'm paying for it." With my ex, I payed probably 95% of the time for every outing we went on.
It's also strange when my boyfriend wants to do something and I say I'm too tired that he's okay with it. With my ex, it always meant I didn't love him enough or appreciate him enough or whatever when I was too tired to do something. My current boyfriend is just "That's cool, I'll go by myself/we can do something else." I'm not complaining, but it's also a very new way for me to be treated, so it's bizarre.
The best advice is to live well.
Part of what really hurt was that my ex was going off and getting his "happily ever after" while I was left picking up the pieces. I was facing unpaid internships and had to find extra financing. I suddenly had to figure out how to take care of just myself while working an internship plus two jobs while simultaneously studying for my licensure exam. I felt like I was left with all the mess while he got off freely.
Things do get better with time, miraculously. It's less than a year later. I made it through my internships and graduation, and now I have a new job that makes more than my previous two incomes and my ex's income combined. I live in a house instead of an apartment. I have a new car. I have a new boyfriend. Life is treating me rather well right now.
A couple months ago I went back to my old hometown for my friend's "dirty thirty" birthday, and I accidentally ran into my ex. When we were together, he was an armed security guard. When I saw him, he was working security at the mall. That's exactly the same job two of my friends in high school did on the weekends to earn extra cash. It's very entry-level. I don't know what happened to his armed job, but mall cop is a definite downgrade.
I saw the ring he proposed to his coworker with. He didn't appear to have actually bought her a ring; she just moved her pewter claddagh ring to the other hand. I presume he couldn't afford it; back in November I received a phone call from his credit card company looking for him after some missed payments.
It seems like the "happily ever after" I thought he was getting instead of me wasn't so happy after all.
Karma has a funny way of working things out.
Some resources for domestic abuse
If you think you're a victim, here is a link to some of the warning signs of domestic abuse in general.
The phone number for the National Domestic Violence is 1−800−799−7233.
No comments:
Post a Comment