My dog the anti-emotional support animal

I was recently reading a thread where someone was struggling to find pet friendly housing. Whenever I am in the same situation, someone inevitably suggests "just register your pet as a service/emotional support animal!" This is wrong on multiple levels, makes it difficult for people who legitimately need service animals, and is illegal. You should not fake a service dog or an ESA, people! 

But even for those reasons, there's another reason: my dog is the exact opposite of an emotional support animal.

The face of a shithead

Recently, I ended a year-long relationship and while it was a choice I had thought long and hard about and was the right choice to make, I still needed to have myself a good cry. My dog does not like it when I have a good cry. He gives me a side-eye, gets up...

...and the little shit leaves the room. He left for the bathroom, the room where dreaded baths are given, because he would rather sit there than deal with my drama. This is not unique to this past week's falling out; he was this way during previous breakups, during my divorce, during any time I needed a good ugly cry session.

He's a fuckhead who literally would be the worst emotional support animal.

Giving zero fucks about my feels

Oh, but if he's feeling anxious? You'd better drop whatever you're doing and comfort him!

This morning at 3 AM my fire alarm decided it had a low battery and randomly went off. My dog cannot stand fire alarms. It took him over half an hour of whining and shivering against me after I had thrown the chirping fire alarm outside (because 3 AM is too early to deal with that shit and I didn't have a battery replacement). 

If anyone is getting registered as anything, I should be registered as his emotional support human.

In fact, I designed a shirt designating me as such, because at this point might as well. You can click on links and order one yourself if you want:

Emotional Support Human T-Shirt
by bhskittykatt

Someone said that I should have put "Please Pet" instead since I'm officially single again, but I'm also introverted and don't want people randomly touching me. So is my dog. So this seemed most appropriate.