Reflecting on two years

I don't know what happened to summer. Yesterday it was June and wonderful and today it's August and a cough-y smokey haze outside, and I'm hauling boxes of stuff through it to a storage unit because I'm moving.

Two years ago, I was divorced, just graduated, broke, and used the last tiny shred of my savings to move across the state to a new job and a new life. That move turned into an expensive and complicated clusterfuck and I try not to think about it too much. It was a move of desperation. It was a make-it-or-break-it-moment.

This move is more voluntary. While I've liked having my own place for two years, I haven't liked my landlord. I'm not going to go into too much detail as I prepare to battle for my deposit back. My rage against them is the battery that's powering me to sort through my shit and box it up. I could afford to extend my lease; I am merely choosing not to. Instead, I am downgrading my possessions, simplifying my life to make it more affordable, and I'm moving to a farm. You know, with horses and goats and chickens and stuff. That...will surely be an interesting adventure as I am a total and self-admitted city-slicker. More details to come.

For now, though, I just want to take a breather from repainting that one wall I accidentally fucked up and reflect back on the last two years. Eastern Washington is drastically different from Western Washington. The west side is lush and green and metropolitan and has IMAX theatres. The east side....is the opposite of all of that. While I've come to appreciate some things, there are certain things that, having grown up on the west side, I don't think I will ever really be able to fully adjust to.

Things I cannot adjust to in Yakima

1) The lack of recycling

The fact that I cannot recycle glass is hard to cope with. It causes me physical pain every time I throw away an empty wine bottle. It cuts me deep to my core.

Also, they don't sort recyclables over here. It all goes in one bin. On a recent visit to a Seattle food court, I was standing at the bins, trying to figure out how to properly sort and dispose of the components of my meal, and I had to really think about it. I've lost my natural sorting instinct, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

2) Traffic lights don't know what they want to be

Are they vertical or horizontal? Do left turns yield on a solid green, or on a yellow flashing arrow? The city doesn't know, and in a few cases an intersection can't make up its mind within itself. It's completely inconsistent across town.

Not that any of it matters, however. Drivers here treat traffic-control devices more as suggestions rather than regulatory signs. When the light goes green, remember to wait for at least two cars in the cross traffic to finish running the red light before you actually start to go.

3) Private foundations run the parks (what few parks there are)

There is a significant lack of greenspace here. The Yakima Greenway and Cowiche Canyon are two of the best places to get outdoors, and combined they could probably both fit inside one of Bellingham's larger parks. They're also privately owned, run by foundations that feed off of private donations rather than from a public tax-based budget.

This leads to some nice amenities. For instance, in the summer if you're walking the Greenway you might be offered water by one of the courtesy carts that run up and down the trail. Ultimately, however, it means that the city doesn't appear to give two craps about funding greenspaces, and that unfortunately shows.

Fortunately, Yakima is surrounded by a bunch of nothing so if you get out of town you can find places to hike and wander.

4) Cash-only movie theatres

Personally, I suspect a money-laundering operation. The two main movie theatres, owned by the same people, are cash-only. I understand car washes and laundry places being cash-only (but how awesome are the ones that take plastic?) but a movie theatre?!? Hell, my old Girl Scout troop is capable of accepting credit cards when they sell cookies outside of grocery stores. If they can take plastic, then these theatres need to get with the times! Who carries cash anymore???

5) Not a town for tee-totallers

All the fun stuff like concerts, art shows, etc, are at the wineries and breweries. There are a lot of vineyards, and the valley is the premier hops-producing region in the world, so there are lots of these places. If you don't like wine or beer, you're not going to enjoy this town because 90%* of the stuff to do is at a winery or brewery. (*This is my un-scientific estimation based on personal experience.) Yoga, guided hikes, paint nights, dance classes, live music...whatever you like to do, you'll find a winery, brewery, or bar hosting it. Be prepared to channel your inner alcoholic.

6) The bad parts of town are legit scary

I didn't live in the best part of Bellingham, but the worst thing that happened was the DEA raided my building that one time. Okay, that sounds bad, but that's not the normal.

Here is some video from my old neighborhood, a few blocks from were I used to live, that recently went viral that shows more of the usual stuff you had to deal with, where a naked dude got pepperballed by police:

It's an annoyance to live next to, but unless you're the dude who's tweaking while nude and getting pepperballed, it doesn't really affect your life.

Here, however, there are random shootings and actual gang violence that do make me a bit nervous if I have to take a shortcut down 5th to get somewhere. The scary neighborhoods in Yakima are more legit scary, whereas the scary neighborhoods in Bellingham are more stupid shit from your annoying neighbors.

Overall, I'm not complaining

Bellingham is beautiful, but I don't think I'll ever move back. I looked up the rent at my old place. In two years, it's gone up almost 100%. Bellingham is getting crazy-expensive and the traffic is getting worse. So I'll enjoy the more rural desert life for a few more years, methinks.

How do you meditate?

So I went to my doctor for my annual follow-up and she told me to read a book called The Diet Trap. I'm working through it, and I mean literally working because she didn't warn me it's a book you can just read, it's a workbook. It's based on something called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and so far it's lots of mindfulness, meditative exercises, like focusing on your breath or the environment.

My issues is that I can't seem to complete these because I keep falling asleep.

I'll be laying there, focusing on my breath, and next thing I know it's hours later. I'll get like five deep breaths in and BAM! I'm out of it.

How do people do this and stay awake?!?! Because I cannot figure it out.

Need a copy editor? I can hook you up with a copy editor!

So all last month, I had someone copy-edit my posts. That's right. I had a professional copy-edit my post about lost hookers. Nicola's a good friend of mine from back in high school. She's pretty darn good at what she does, and she's taking on new clients right now!

I tend to blog very irregularly. I'll word-vomit some stuff, sometimes only half-awake, and then hit the "Publish" button without much through. Then I'll catch all my errors and and to go back and edit. Much swearing ensues when this happens.

With a copy-editor, you don't need to go through all that. Someone else can catch those errors, and Nicola won't judge your weird-ass writing content either. Within hours, you'll get your feedback and then you can smash the "Publish" button to your heart's content!

If you are trying to do something actually professional and need an extra set of eyes to check your grammar and verbiage, then check out Nicola J Thompson. You can also check out some of her writing there at that link as well. She's good. She's better than me. Give her a look!

Helping lost hookers

It was early morning back when I was working my paper route. I only had a couple blocks left and was actually set to get done well ahead of schedule for my deliveries. It was winter and it was dark and slightly drizzly. I paused to open up another bundle of newspapers, and that's when she knocked on my car window.

"Please," she pleaded with me. "I'm trying to find my sister's place and I'm lost and my phone is dead. Can I borrow your phone and log into my Facebook? I don't know her number and that's the only way I can look it up."

She seemed nice enough, just a teary-eyed lost gal out in the street. It was about 4 AM and there wasn't anywhere else she could really get help, so I obliged. After all, I myself have had to rely on the kindness of strangers at odd hours of the morning before.

When she finally got ahold of her sister, she didn't seem to be much help.

Lost woman: "What's the address? ...you don't know it? Turn at the gas station? What station? I don't know the area I don't know the gas station....no I don't know it! ...Please just tell me where you are, this lady is letting me use her phone and she's waiting...I don't know the gas station!"

Me: "I know a gas station nearby. It's just down the road. Come on let's go I'll give you a lift."

Lost woman: "Really? OhmyGodthankyousomuch!!!"

I didn't think too much of it at the time; I'd picked up hitchhikers before while on the route and given them lifts, and this one seemed no different. We went to the gas station, and that's where we hit a snag.

Lost woman: "She says turn right at the gas station."

Me: "Facing the gas station which way? It's on the corner."

Lost woman (into the phone): "Facing which way? ...No it's ahead of us so which way to we turn?... Please I don't know where I am.... no don't get mad.... noooo she hung up. Hang on, let me call my uncle." She called another man and repeated that she was lost. He was giving her the same vague directions.

Me: "Alright, what's the name of the apartments?"

Lost woman (after asking her uncle): "He says it's Village Apartments?"

Me: "Okay, I don't know where that is, but I know a couple possibilities so we can drive around and check them out."

Lost woman: "OhmyGodthankyousomuch!!!"

It was as we were driving around the area trying to find these "Village Apartments" that I overheard things that made me realize her "sister" on the phone was probably not the biological kind.

Lost woman (continuing the conversation on her phone): "I know I ran away... It was crazy! They got into a fight in the [cheap motel I used to work at] parking lot and she smashed his window in with a crowbar! Then they said they were calling the police. She stayed behind to fight him but I ran away. I got a cab driver to get me this far and then this lady picked me up and we're trying to find you. I was so scared! I can't get arrested again!"

At this point I started looking around trying to see if any cops were searching the area because now I was a bit nervous I was possibly harboring a fugitive. It gradually became clear to me that this was a "working girl" who had been at a job at the motel and something had gone south.

We spent several minutes driving around. She got off the phone and told me about how she had been praying to her late father that someone would come help her and then I showed up, and she thought I was sent divinely. I nodded politely while still keeping a keen eye out for any police as I was afraid of being caught with this woman in my car.

Eventually we found the place, which was not "Village Apartments" but a complex of a different name. I made sure she made it back okay. She thanked me profusely. A man opened the door who seemed far too young to be her "uncle". At that point, I knew for sure I'd picked up a hooker.

Moral of the story: When you pick up a lost hitchhiker, make sure the police aren't after them before you do.

How to tulip without tulips

I love the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival. Every April I grab a pair of boots I don't care about and a raincoat and go frolic in the fields. I love the seemingly endless color when the fields are in full bloom!

I used to live nearby and could go whichever week I wanted, but now that I reside on the other side of the state my travel options are more restricted. This year it was looking like a mild winter, so I opted to schedule time off for the first week in April. In the weeks leading up to my trip, the tulip growers themselves were forecasting decent blooms by the end of March. In March's final week, however, a sudden cold snap and a surprise April Fools' Day snow caused all the flowers to collectively hit their "snooze" buttons.

Alas, it was too late to cancel my plans. I was committed.

Normally when the fields are in full bloom, it's a full-day event for me. I start at Tulip Town from when they open until lunch and grab a bite before heading to Roozengaarde until dinner, where I grab a bite in La Conner. (Tip: Visiting the growers in this order allows you work your way north-to-south, which is easier traffic-wise than attempting the other direction.)

With minimal blooms this time, however, I had much shorter visits. This didn't get me down, though. There's so much to do. So, what do you do when you're stuck with minimal blooms? I'll tell you what to do!

Art Appreciation is Always in Season

My favorite art gallery is Art in a Pickle Barn, which several years ago actually outgrew the pickle barn and in recent years has been hosted by Azusa Farms & Gardens. It's just up the road from Tulip Town. (Driving hint: Your GPS will take you to the entrance off Highway 20, but if you just head north on Bradshaw Rd from Tulip Town, it has a back driveway at the dead-end you can easily access without dealing with the highway traffic.) It provides a nice indoor reprieve from the inevitable rain as well. You can vote for your favorite piece in their People's Choice competition.

Tulip Town also has a small indoor art gallery where for three years in a row I've purchased from the same artist, Barbara Marks. The featured artists take turns running the register throughout the month and love to discuss their art. They have original prints but also lots of prints, mugs, magnets, etc. with art featured on them.

La Conner is magical with beer and shopping

La Conner is always worth a stop, Tulip Festival or no. Despite it being rainy and mid-week, I still struggled to find parking downtown. So I parked in their pay lot on the edge of town and walked through downtown. A few years ago they revamped their boardwalk which runs along the Swinomish Channel. Several sculptural art pieces dot the boardwalk and really the town in general.

 

Lunch was found at La Conner Brewing Company. They have a rotating selection of decent beer. This time around they were featuring a raspberry wheat ale which was absolutely amazing! It had a bit of raspberry flavor that wasn't too sweet or overpowering. I also noshed on their Thai chicken pizza that was on special that day. They brew beer and ciders, but even if you're a teetotaler the food is always excellent on its own.

There's not enough room to describe the shopping in La Conner. I always go antiquing at Nasty Jack's Antiques, which is my favorite antique store ever. I particularly appreciate their brothel memorabilia and vintage comics, but they have a wide variety of books, furniture, vintage kitchen utensils, and anything else you could imagine. They also have an old-timey photo booth in the back as well.

Across from the brewery, I also found myself drawn to Handmade La Conner. Their window display featured a lap quilt that read "Thug Life", and inside the store did not disappoint. They had lots of gifts such as mugs, stationary, and crafts. Amusingly, many were profanity-laden, which suits me just fine. They also have a massive selection of soaps, lotions, and candles that they make on-site in the back room of the establishment. I was tickled to have discovered this gem of a store that I'd never been to before!

There is just so much hiking!

As evidenced by my other blog, I love hiking. Despite the rain, I headed out to Kukutali Preserve on the Swinomish reservation. It's a nice short hike near La Conner that heads out around a small forested island. Amusingly, daffodils have migrated out to this island and grow among the trees and ferns. 

A bit further away, Anacortes has tons of hiking as well. The Anacortes Community Forest Lands (ACFL) are massive, with a vast network of trails that weave through them. Sugarloaf is a particular favorite hike of mine that's short and steep, but with over 50 miles of intersecting trails, there are lots of options. Be sure to bring a map with you!

There's still some color in the fields

Roozengaarde grows more than tulips. They grow daffodils, which bloom early, and irises, which bloom late, so throughout the month you're going to find something that's colorful and growing out of the mud. Unfortunately they can't control when the flowers decide to bloom. Even if nature decides to not cooperate, you can still find some flowers and then go do all the other things I just listed to make up for the rest of the day!

Whatever happens, make the most of it and have fun!

Interesting facts about Katt

My company has an upcoming symposium where we all go to Portland, get drunk, and take a bunch of continuing education classes. The getting drunk and the going to classes don't necessarily overlap (but they don't necessarily don't overlap either).

So, this was a conversation with my boss and a coworker the other day.

Boss: "Corporate wants us to submit fun facts about ourselves for the symposium."
Coworker: "What sort of 'fun facts'..."
Me: "...and what do they want to do with this information?"
Boss: "I don't know probably some teambuilding thing. I think they just want information like '[Coworker] rides horses' and 'Katt likes hiking' and stuff like that."
Coworker: "Oh, that's okay."
Me: "I do more than hiking you know. Hiking isn't a 'fun fact'. Tell them about the time I was involved in an international Timbits smuggling ring. That's a fun fact. Give Corporate that one and see what they do with it!"

Apparently, people think I do hiking and that's it! So I want to set the record straight and give you some more things that make me special, so you can get to know me better. There's more to me than hiking. For example:

• I was maybe slightly involved in an international Timbits smuggling ring. 
• I can use my boobs to get streets plowed in the winter.
• I once broke into a smoke-filled house to save a passed-out person from burning to death in a fire (but it turned out there were no open flames, just their extremely overcooked food that they needed saving from, and they weren't passed out from smoke they were passed out from alcohol so I didn't get lauded as the hero I thought I was going to be).
• I am really good at breaking into houses because my BFF in high school kept locking herself out of her house, and now people are disturbed at my ability to get into places that are locked.
• I know I can drink at least 10 cups of coffee and a Red Bull a day without dying.
• In Girl Scouts I learned how to build a campfire, set up a tent, and artistically TP cabins at other campsites.
• I once jumped off a flight of stairs because I thought it would be faster than walking down; technically I was right...
• I have a pet guinea pig I adopted when I found her in a trashed motel room. She's now seven and a half years old and might be immortal.
• I used to be deathly afraid of boats until my "friends" somehow talked me into whitewater rafting and threw me off the raft and I survived it.
• If you want to go with hiking, at least mention that I carry purple fuzzy handcuffs on my hiking back for inside joke reasons that I've long since forgotten. My trail name is "Kinky".

See? I'm a far more dynamic person than just hiking!

Genitalia Fonts and Gender Equality

Long time no write. I just needed to vent.

Because of reasons, I was looking up penis fonts. As in, letters made with penises. It was for Dungeons & Dragons group-related reasons, and I'm just gonna leave it at that.

The point is, this search lead me down a rabbit hole. There are just so many penis fonts out there to download, you guys! As I fell down my Google-image search cascade (with safe search off, terrifyingly), I also found boob-themed fonts. Penises and boobs!

But you know what I couldn't find? Vulva fonts. They don't exist. I couldn't find them anywhere. It's a niche that needs to be filled, methinks. What happened to Rule 34? I am so disappointed in the Internet right now that I could find nothing.

I asked a few artist friends how much commission $$ it would take to design one, and now they've blocked me from Facebook.

This is an atrocity. We need vulva-themed fonts! Vulva-themed fonts for gender equality!

</drunk rant>